Tuesday, October 31, 2017
Death is losing what you love
Today I am hurting. Not just the physical pain but the darkest, soul deep kind of pain that hurts so badly you can’t even stop crying. It’s like a funeral that only you attend. I miss the loving, strong arms that held me tight when I slept that kept me safe. The smile I see in our daughters eyes when they smile. Those playful moments that were special to just you and I. To losing friends I’ll never get over. The happiness I’ve lost and I am ashamed of because life can be far worse than this and today is unbearable. To all the hopes and dreams I believed in and the faith in God I had and now feel lost. You are so loved by me that had I, I would have given my perfect life to save yours. To know WE played a part in the wondrous creation of such beautiful daughters/granddaughters. I thought I treated you as best I could. What I needed from you I overlooked because one day, I assumed it would eventually come. Instead we broke up and all my shattered hearts pieces lay at my feet cutting me and I am covered in blood. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has lost in this life and it hurts the most when the opportunity to still fix it and love it even greater than before it thrown away. Friends, lovers, spouses and even strangers. I will keep going to therapy, to continue to learn, to become a better me. Even if I end up alone, God will still be by my side. I remember that night I heard the monitor beeping when you almost died, I did not give up then. I will still have hope. I’m not perfect but I love you sweetheart so much. I can’t watch you move on without me but my love is still there. As is my shattered heart. Be safe. Be loved. Be better. I have had good days and bad with you but I wouldn’t have traded them at all.
Tuesday, October 17, 2017
Perspective, my new friend
I have recently been going through a tough time within this chapter of my life. So deeply heartfelt, I almost can’t see past the pain and darkness. Someone I trust gave me some valuable advice, yet, I am struggling to understand how to apply it to my life and be in that place of “bend and sway”. I was told that my life is in my own hands and everything is based upon my PERSPECTIVE. If I can hardly see through the darkness, how can I control my perspective? Change my view of the very life I live?
As each day has gone by, with every sharp sting of difficulty, this word keeps showing up. And I took this as a challenge. A challenge to not give up, even though at times I’ve begged God to please take this all from me. Selfish, I know, for I did not die upon a cross for the love of all mankind and I do not suffer as others have/do but like all colors: black is black, and so is the darkness.
God’s gift to me is the supernatural gift of Mercy. I’ve found it to be one of both a great burden and when left unharnessed, great destruction. I can feel all things around me. I can feel when others are hurting. I can tell when someone is lying. I can feel the anger, resentments, and glorious joy of life’s little blessings. I can also search deep into a person’s self and know what would hurt them the most. I only learned that recently. As such, I have paid a high price for wielding that sword. It was done unconsciously at the time, for my pain was that of such darkness, I could not see what I had done until it was too late and no matter how much I want to “fix it”, I will forever have lost something that should have been cherished for the beautiful blessing it was.
I can also see the “cracks”. The little windows and doors left open for the enemy to slip right on in and eat away at you. A fight that is hard enough on it’s own and one we all fight daily. But back to “perspective”. As I am learning about what it means to view things differently, I found out immediately that I don’t know much about myself and what I did know or believe was very painful to realize and much harder to change. Who am I really? I know my gift but what makes me: me? Where is my passion? Am I giving my life to God and God alone? And am I happy if that is all there is? We all know that God loves us, and we are His children but if I had to be alone, am I strong enough to overcome the darkness? The answer is undoubtedly, NO! You see, I have not given everything to Him and I have not trusted God and His word. And until I am able to do so, I am unable to feel the love and happiness that comes along with that releasing of myself into the trusting hands of God. This was my first lesson on perspective. I needed to see the truth for what it was. To be brutally honest with myself and bow my head in recognition of this honesty. And as each day comes and goes, I’ve had good moments and moments that bring me to tears so fast that light itself cannot catch me. And as each day comes and goes, I learn a little more about the devastating requirement of changing not just my “perspective” but the decisions that need to be made in order to make things right in my life according to God’s will and not my own. Imagine how, at times, the hopelessness I’ve felt giving up control or acknowledging that I’ve cared more for others than I have ever considered for myself. Me? A Christian for over 30 years, still crawling instead of walking tall in my Father’s love and everlasting promise.
It is true that to view me from the outside, I have much to be thankful for. But the old adage “don’t judge a book by its cover” is most certainly necessary here. For all the blessings in my life, I still have to fix “me” and the damage the darkness has brought. The pain is very real and can be hard to progressively move forward when you “feel alone” in it. To fight against the enemy with ONLY God by my side because as humans, it’s easier to leave than it is to stand next to your brother/sister in Christ and help guide them back. To help them stand again. Another harsh reality. With all that in mind, I’ll seek out my Father’s Love and as I cry out to Him, to vigilantly work my way towards His will, ask His forgiveness for my sins, and continue to strive viewing things not from my own perspective but from His perspective. No matter how painful some decisions need to be made, I can only do my best.
Pray for each other, love one another, and help carry their burdens just as Christ carried the cross for you and me. Be there to give advice as my trusted friend did even though it’s still taking me a long while to apply properly in my healing. Thank you, Lord, for only YOU know my heart and what I am going through. Help me to still be there for others even while I heal.
As each day has gone by, with every sharp sting of difficulty, this word keeps showing up. And I took this as a challenge. A challenge to not give up, even though at times I’ve begged God to please take this all from me. Selfish, I know, for I did not die upon a cross for the love of all mankind and I do not suffer as others have/do but like all colors: black is black, and so is the darkness.
God’s gift to me is the supernatural gift of Mercy. I’ve found it to be one of both a great burden and when left unharnessed, great destruction. I can feel all things around me. I can feel when others are hurting. I can tell when someone is lying. I can feel the anger, resentments, and glorious joy of life’s little blessings. I can also search deep into a person’s self and know what would hurt them the most. I only learned that recently. As such, I have paid a high price for wielding that sword. It was done unconsciously at the time, for my pain was that of such darkness, I could not see what I had done until it was too late and no matter how much I want to “fix it”, I will forever have lost something that should have been cherished for the beautiful blessing it was.
I can also see the “cracks”. The little windows and doors left open for the enemy to slip right on in and eat away at you. A fight that is hard enough on it’s own and one we all fight daily. But back to “perspective”. As I am learning about what it means to view things differently, I found out immediately that I don’t know much about myself and what I did know or believe was very painful to realize and much harder to change. Who am I really? I know my gift but what makes me: me? Where is my passion? Am I giving my life to God and God alone? And am I happy if that is all there is? We all know that God loves us, and we are His children but if I had to be alone, am I strong enough to overcome the darkness? The answer is undoubtedly, NO! You see, I have not given everything to Him and I have not trusted God and His word. And until I am able to do so, I am unable to feel the love and happiness that comes along with that releasing of myself into the trusting hands of God. This was my first lesson on perspective. I needed to see the truth for what it was. To be brutally honest with myself and bow my head in recognition of this honesty. And as each day comes and goes, I’ve had good moments and moments that bring me to tears so fast that light itself cannot catch me. And as each day comes and goes, I learn a little more about the devastating requirement of changing not just my “perspective” but the decisions that need to be made in order to make things right in my life according to God’s will and not my own. Imagine how, at times, the hopelessness I’ve felt giving up control or acknowledging that I’ve cared more for others than I have ever considered for myself. Me? A Christian for over 30 years, still crawling instead of walking tall in my Father’s love and everlasting promise.
It is true that to view me from the outside, I have much to be thankful for. But the old adage “don’t judge a book by its cover” is most certainly necessary here. For all the blessings in my life, I still have to fix “me” and the damage the darkness has brought. The pain is very real and can be hard to progressively move forward when you “feel alone” in it. To fight against the enemy with ONLY God by my side because as humans, it’s easier to leave than it is to stand next to your brother/sister in Christ and help guide them back. To help them stand again. Another harsh reality. With all that in mind, I’ll seek out my Father’s Love and as I cry out to Him, to vigilantly work my way towards His will, ask His forgiveness for my sins, and continue to strive viewing things not from my own perspective but from His perspective. No matter how painful some decisions need to be made, I can only do my best.
Pray for each other, love one another, and help carry their burdens just as Christ carried the cross for you and me. Be there to give advice as my trusted friend did even though it’s still taking me a long while to apply properly in my healing. Thank you, Lord, for only YOU know my heart and what I am going through. Help me to still be there for others even while I heal.
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