Death is losing what you love

Today I am hurting. Not just the physical pain but the darkest, soul deep kind of pain that hurts so badly you can’t even stop crying. It’s like a funeral that only you attend. I miss the loving, strong arms that held me tight when I slept that kept me safe. The smile I see in our daughters eyes when they smile. Those playful moments that were special to just you and I. To losing friends I’ll never get over. The happiness I’ve lost and I am ashamed of because life can be far worse than this and today is unbearable. To all the hopes and dreams I believed in and the faith in God I had and now feel lost. You are so loved by me that had I, I would have given  my perfect  life to save yours. To know WE played a part in the wondrous creation of such beautiful daughters/granddaughters. I thought I treated you as best I could. What I needed from you I overlooked because one day, I assumed it would eventually come. Instead we broke up and all my shattered hearts pieces lay at my feet cutting me and I am covered in blood. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has lost in this life and it hurts the most when the opportunity to still fix it and love it even greater than before it thrown away. Friends, lovers, spouses and even strangers. I will keep going to therapy, to continue to learn, to become a better me. Even if I end up alone, God will still be by my side. I remember that night I heard the monitor beeping when you almost died, I did not give up then. I will still have hope. I’m not perfect but I love you sweetheart so much. I can’t watch you move on without me but my love is still there.  As is my shattered heart. Be safe. Be loved. Be better. I have had good days and bad with you but I wouldn’t have traded them at all.