As each day has gone by, with every sharp sting of difficulty, this word keeps showing up. And I took this as a challenge. A challenge to not give up, even though at times I’ve begged God to please take this all from me. Selfish, I know, for I did not die upon a cross for the love of all mankind and I do not suffer as others have/do but like all colors: black is black, and so is the darkness.
God’s gift to me is the supernatural gift of Mercy. I’ve found it to be one of both a great burden and when left unharnessed, great destruction. I can feel all things around me. I can feel when others are hurting. I can tell when someone is lying. I can feel the anger, resentments, and glorious joy of life’s little blessings. I can also search deep into a person’s self and know what would hurt them the most. I only learned that recently. As such, I have paid a high price for wielding that sword. It was done unconsciously at the time, for my pain was that of such darkness, I could not see what I had done until it was too late and no matter how much I want to “fix it”, I will forever have lost something that should have been cherished for the beautiful blessing it was.
I can also see the “cracks”. The little windows and doors left open for the enemy to slip right on in and eat away at you. A fight that is hard enough on it’s own and one we all fight daily. But back to “perspective”. As I am learning about what it means to view things differently, I found out immediately that I don’t know much about myself and what I did know or believe was very painful to realize and much harder to change. Who am I really? I know my gift but what makes me: me? Where is my passion? Am I giving my life to God and God alone? And am I happy if that is all there is? We all know that God loves us, and we are His children but if I had to be alone, am I strong enough to overcome the darkness? The answer is undoubtedly, NO! You see, I have not given everything to Him and I have not trusted God and His word. And until I am able to do so, I am unable to feel the love and happiness that comes along with that releasing of myself into the trusting hands of God. This was my first lesson on perspective. I needed to see the truth for what it was. To be brutally honest with myself and bow my head in recognition of this honesty. And as each day comes and goes, I’ve had good moments and moments that bring me to tears so fast that light itself cannot catch me. And as each day comes and goes, I learn a little more about the devastating requirement of changing not just my “perspective” but the decisions that need to be made in order to make things right in my life according to God’s will and not my own. Imagine how, at times, the hopelessness I’ve felt giving up control or acknowledging that I’ve cared more for others than I have ever considered for myself. Me? A Christian for over 30 years, still crawling instead of walking tall in my Father’s love and everlasting promise.
It is true that to view me from the outside, I have much to be thankful for. But the old adage “don’t judge a book by its cover” is most certainly necessary here. For all the blessings in my life, I still have to fix “me” and the damage the darkness has brought. The pain is very real and can be hard to progressively move forward when you “feel alone” in it. To fight against the enemy with ONLY God by my side because as humans, it’s easier to leave than it is to stand next to your brother/sister in Christ and help guide them back. To help them stand again. Another harsh reality. With all that in mind, I’ll seek out my Father’s Love and as I cry out to Him, to vigilantly work my way towards His will, ask His forgiveness for my sins, and continue to strive viewing things not from my own perspective but from His perspective. No matter how painful some decisions need to be made, I can only do my best.
Pray for each other, love one another, and help carry their burdens just as Christ carried the cross for you and me. Be there to give advice as my trusted friend did even though it’s still taking me a long while to apply properly in my healing. Thank you, Lord, for only YOU know my heart and what I am going through. Help me to still be there for others even while I heal.
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