Neurological Memories

Pain is a word that is as hard to define as "love" and "hate". It is an overused, over  exaggerated, and misunderstood term that has encompassed a large part of the last 13 years for me. Each and every day I struggle with the physical reality that I am hurting. BUT.......each and every day I am encouraged that because my God is an awesome God, who can do all things, I am being continuously educated (mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually) on the multi-faceted aspects of PAIN and why I was chosen. 

Occasionally I search the internet for terms or ideas just to see what I come across. This morning I wanted to know of "creative ways of dealing with pain". Seriously, something as simple as (my FAVE) digging for seashells can distract me from the skin peeling pain I go through daily. I came across an article on the AARP website from July 23, 2012 (http://www.aarp.org/health/conditions-treatments/info-07-2012/treating-chronic-pain-without-drugs-oz.html) that indicated that "...nerves may actually hard-wire that pain into a kind of neurological memory, so even when the original cause of the pain is gone, you still hurt." Now doesn't that make sense. Now I know there are pains I have that clearly are NOT memories but is it always? And if the pain is memory, does it then trigger the real pain? Dominos. I am playing dominos. 

My journey of pain and life thereafter is ongoing. With every little tidbit of information I am encouraged that there is always hope that this day will be a great day!!! 

Time. Where is it's truth?

I am no true blogger. Heck, for the 4 hours a day I actually get to sleep (4? Really? Lucky me!), I don't have much time to do all the things my overactive heart desires, much less "blog". My journaling has turned into more of a quarterly sporadic scrapbook fest. Little "tokens" of memories that I place away so I can return to them when my soul yearns to travel to the past and pluck the memories from my mind like classification cards at the library or rolodex (like, who uses either one anymore, right?).

But the truth of the matter is that time is a thief! It steals from us every single heart beating moment leaving behind only a memory if you were fortunate enough to pay attention. It was just a moment ago that I was 16 years old counting down the days until my "life" began. It was just a few moments after that that I held my youngest daughter, attempting to treasure every moment I had with her knowing she would be my last. And yet here I am, several weeks from my last journal entry, with not much to show for it except a messy house and painfully dominant headache.

So, while Time is a thief and I am unable to stop him, how do make each moment last forever? For it is only in this moment that I live......

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How does the 9-5 day make a difference?

Surely I am not the only person who works 9-5, only to come home and begin that 24/7 job called "life"? I know we all work. I mean, you have bills to pay right? Actually, come to think of it, you'd like to eat now and then also huh? Well, that doesn't usually happen without having a job, a paycheck. This country is struggling with families who are struggling with less income than the outgoing bills & necessities. So, let’s talk about fulfillment. I began to think that a good, hard day’s work equaled the acceptable reasoning for all the "other" things I could have done: housewife, mother, community contributor. But instead, I have placed all of that second and third to the hopes and dreams of a company owned by someone else just being an employee. Over the last 12 years, I realized that when people said "stress kills", dang it: they were not kidding. I've had 13 major surgeries and truth be known, I blame the bottom line on the lifestyles we lead. Fast, faster, and now!

So, I started to research (biblically) and I just don't believe that the hard work I do is doing ANYTHING for the purpose of God. Was I blessed with 4 children and an amazing husband to never have time for them? Do you feel this way too? Why do we do things that don't honor God simply because we think we have to have a paycheck or because we feel devoted to the ones we work for? Am I alone in this? Comments please!!

Sleepless in Covington

Some people visibly cringe the moment they realize that "this night" there're in for a sleepless, merciless, dissection of minutes that define each bedtime hour! Now, my irresistible husband uses my physical presence as a security blanket, a "sexy, smooth, warm, curvaceous, tempting... so you can rest medicine" if you will. So when my moment of realization sets in, yes, I feel that twinge of guilt that accompanies my confession that on this night: you're on your own, sweet love! Not only am I wide-eyed awake, so are all of my 5 other personalities! But I'm reminded of a conversation I had once with a strange yet oddly surreal woman who once told me that when you find yourself awake when you're desperately seeking REM sleep, that this was the Holy Spirit calling on you as a Christian to pray for someone in need. Just think-when I'm up, those in need have 6 extra prayers at night! I'm only to happy to assist. You never know when I may be in the market for your prayers! God Bless...

Labor Day: A labor of love...

Every year, millions of people get to take a day off from the hustle and bustle that we call a "job". Today, I not only get to enjoy another day "off" but get to spend additional quality time with my husband, children, and friends. Take a moment to give thanks to God for this opportunity, as so many others are not so fortunate. Without a doubt, I am incredibly blessed beyond my worth!

Happy Anniversary, my love...

Twenty years is a long time to some people. So is eternity. I have been married to my husband/best friend for 20 years and until it's eternity, I won't feel as though it's been long enough. I love him passionately and cannot imagine any life without him in it. I can thank God for blessing me over and over again but God knew what he was doing when he provided me with such a wonderful friend, husband, lover, and partner. I'm not alone. Thank you Lord.

Good days and bad days...

People often ask me "How have you been doing?". Deep down, I really just want to say, "Still hurting, you?", but that wouldn't really be honest, would it? Some days, well, they're really good. My pain is always there but manageable. Other days, I'm reminded that I'm not the same as I was, different than I'll be tomorrow, and wishing I was unconscious today! It is hard on the people we care about because they try but are unable to truly understand. It is hard on those who rely on us because even though they try to be understanding we are needed. In the end, no one will wish I was better, than me.

Soul Mates

As I watch the man I love,
Sleep and dream yet not in good health
My heart is burdened by fear unknown
That only God can fill.

Things we don't understand and
Knowledge we choose to ignore
My friend, lover. My half of me..
Please be safe, please grow strong, please know God has you in His hands.

I can't live without you, my love.
Forever on earth is not long enough
Eternity in Heaven is a dream to fulfill
Surrounded by the glory of God and His promise fulfilled.

All the love in me has been provided by you and even you brought me back to God when I was lost.
For all great things in life come at at cost.
Jesus loves our children but blesses our marriage.
I touch you ever so gently in the night with the strange sounds in the backgroup of the IV drip and you seem so delicate. I feel like craddling you in my arms and reassuring myself that YOU know just how much YOU mean to me and how blessed i so truly am.

Chronic Pain

Do you live with Chronic Pian? I do. I have a triple cervical fushion and permanent nerve damage in the occipital nerves causing cervicogenic headaches. These leave you wishing the 2ND coming of Christ would really hurry along. I have just received yet another surgery having a spinal cord simulator implanted to help with the pain. Its really too early in this procedure to see if its working yet but nights like these I am unable to get any sleep. Tell me what you have....and how have you managed to cope with it.

Pain is the darkness that keeps us from the Light
Pain is the vise that helps give up the fight
Acceptance is often difficult to bear
It is like our own cross to wear
Show me what i should do
Does pain ravage you too?

Why are words so important?

Words have the ability to lift a soul straight to heaven yet also have the despairing strength to plummet you straight into hell. Why is this? And what about our imagination? We can dig deep into ourselves and come up with the most intense creation. I am so excited to begin my very own exploration.