Welcome to my new family!

I have not posted in such a long time. Life kept moving forward as I drifted in and out of the pain created from the loss of My1Love. But God is great and sent me not just someone to love but a partner to share “ME” with. Someone who loves God as much as I do and allows me to grieve because some things take time. Lots of time. His name is Scott. I’ve known him since I was in 7th grade and honestly, (insert the giggles here!!) he raked my nerves. Deep down I believed anyone who was not only a “bad boy” but cocky as hell probably had problems of his own. Then came along Facebook and the reconnection of friendships and/or the creation of those that could have been if we had an ounce of maturity. I recognized immediately that this wasn’t the same Scott I knew in high school but one that gave his life over to God and I was so proud of him. We had, through those years said hello and such but nothing inappropriate. I remember seeing this picture of him on a mission trip and thought “Wow, God must have done wonders in his life!”

During 2018, my heart ached in ways I couldn’t possibly imagine not could I handle alone. My road to what was sure to be my own death was imminent. But every day I logged in to my Facebook account and there was today’s post from Scott...Always reminding me of God’s love. I reached out to him to thank him for doing this because you never know who needs to see it. He extended his friendship and from there we moved forward. While my love for Larry was/is still there and despite my inability to hate him for all he had done to me, our family and future, Scott loved me anyway. He loved me for me. He understood. He gives me space to mourn, grow, and displays a loving faithfulness in God that is unlike anything I’ve ever known. When my divorce was finalized (a day I cried so hard, I actually had a black eye from wiping my tears away), he asked me to marry him. I wasn’t sure I could do this again. Could I trust another with the remaining dusty pieces of my heart? But I knew that God brought him into my life for a reason and I had to have faith. I had to keep moving forward or I wouldn’t move at all. I said “yes”. Still scared to my core, the day came to finalize the transition from “Evelyn Anderson” to “Evelyn Muller”. My children had been so supportive and my beloved stepson of 29 years actually gave me away. 

I’ve never had an experience that felt so right or happy (outside of the birth of my children/grandchildren) and was amazed by the people who showed up to support us. During the ceremony, Scott was supposed to “repeat after me” (his brother officiated the wedding) and instead of repeating after him, Scott kept saying “YES!”  It was so beautifully funny and this picture was taken. I absolutely love it: 

That is a exactly why I knew it was the right decision to make. He makes me laugh when nothing else could. He says he loves me “As far as the East is from the West” and we have matching tattoos of opposing arrows. It’s truly amazing. We even presented all of our children (I’ve gained a beautiful step daughter, Emily ❤️❤️) as a promise to encourage the love for all their family members, to do our best to realize how much divorce effects them as they never asked for such pain and that marriage is more than what society presents. It’s a commitment not a fashion statement. 

My life is still a complicated pile of painful emotions and divorce is truly a “death that keeps on giving” but I know in my heart I did all I could do and in the end I can hold my head high. God knows how much I loved Larry. How hard I tried to save my marriage and that I believed with God anything could be worked out. Not everyone is willing to work that hard for what is right. I recently discovered that he had been planning/contemplating to divorce me for about a year. A fact I was completely unaware of but made perfect sense. No more children at home, a condo to place me in and the freedom to leave. I believed we would be working on our relationship with some space apart, signed what I believed to be a “post nuptial agreement” which actually turned out to be a divorce agreement. Everything I ever thought was real was not but again I can say, I can hold my head high. I still love him enough to wish him happiness, health, and to make every effort to mutually co-parent our children (grown or not) as best as I am capable. I pray every single day for strength, for growth, and the ability to understand what lessons God has intended for me to learn from this. I’ve made mistakes and will remedy them immediately but by far Scott is a blessing I never saw coming. 

Thank you for loving me sweetheart. Thank you for allowing me to be “ME”! 

Please welcome our blended family: 

Pain and all it costs....

I sit here, alone again, thinking of ways to try and be “happy” but I just can’t seem to make it happen. I’m not sure what lesson God is trying to teach me but I can say it’s the most horrifyingly painful experience I’ve ever known. To have the man of my dreams tell me he no longer loves me and no longer wants to be my husband after 26 years, truly is a soul deep pain that I keep bringing to my Heavenly Father, as the burden is too much to bare. I’ve never missed someone so much and have never been so unhappy. How can someone love you so much one day and then overnight change in an instant? How can all the experiences we shared be so easily replaceable? How was I so easily replaced? I can never replace him. His smile, his laughter, his protective nature, his loving kiss or even the way he held me at night! My heart is not only broken but my spirit is as well. The enemy is always there waiting to tear apart something beautiful and for now he has succeeded. But my faith resides in the Lord and I refuse to be it’s over. I love and respect my husband and want him by my side always. I pray he realizes what this truly means. I love you sweetheart. Everything about you, good and bad, I’d never let you go. How could you actually let me go? I feel invisible. Eve

In life, there are good days and bad. We can bring out the best in someone and the worst. For me, I have always been told how many bad things I do or am doing something bad. I am a sensitive person and is hard for me to undestand. I wish I could control it better but I fall so far short in that area, its depth is that of being buried.
However, my husband, who I have hurt just as much, is still the one I want most in this life. He is strong, loving, my safety and hurting him, hurts me. I allowed my hurt to rise above me this year and I was wrong for that. I understand the pressures I placed on him and understand his desire to leave me. I just can't live without him. I would move mountains to be with him. If he is hurting I want to fix it. And, he won't let me in. I would have to leave my whole family. All that I am and all that I love dearest in this world in order to give him what he wants and I'm dying inside. I feel myself simply dying. I know my words are misunderstood but he is my everything. The person who has always taken me to the next level of love and learning.

Dear God,
You know me. You know my sorrow, my love for him. You know my faith in him and how much I want to be the wife that he can be proud of. I am ashamed and sorry for all that I have done. Grant me this request. Please place in him the ability to give me another chance. To say yes, and make all the tears go away. To allow me to smile, be happy and plan a future with him. YOU KNOW I SPEAK THE TRUTH! And only in you, Father, can such a request be granted. He knows you. Speak to his Spirit and touch him.

I recognize how I've hurt him and I know I am weak but I will give him everything if he will try once more. I was tense because I believed he was waiting for me to make a mistake and send me away. Let him know that I love him, I respect him, I will make up for all my mistakes, and provide him with a happy home once more the moment he says yes. I don't expect overnight results but I will work hard every moment of every day for him and our family. I know you don't give up on me, please ask him to do the same.
In Jesus' Name,

Larry,

You may want me gone and think that will fix our problems but it will not. The domino effect will begin and what you feel now will grow. Today, I will clean up the house as best I can , as fast as I can, and will always carry hope that you will listen to your Spirit. I can keep my promise.I promise to love you, respect you, always work on becoming a better person and to put you and our family first. I will strive for happiness, security, loving kind words and to have you not only love me but to trust me and be proud of me. I will make up for all that I have done. I promise with all that I have in me! I will understand the things I have said and done that leave you insecure and will allow you to trust me again to replace that. I do NOT hate you. I was hurting and I will never say that again. You can take all the guns away until you feel safe with me again. Allow me this please. Your first instinct is to say no again. Our whole lives we have loved each other. It is still there. This is a choice. Let us not be selfish to our own pain and sufferings b/c I know firsthand the loss of it. Allow me to be your wife and the mother of your children and uphold our vows. Please.

 

 

Death is losing what you love

Today I am hurting. Not just the physical pain but the darkest, soul deep kind of pain that hurts so badly you can’t even stop crying. It’s like a funeral that only you attend. I miss the loving, strong arms that held me tight when I slept that kept me safe. The smile I see in our daughters eyes when they smile. Those playful moments that were special to just you and I. To losing friends I’ll never get over. The happiness I’ve lost and I am ashamed of because life can be far worse than this and today is unbearable. To all the hopes and dreams I believed in and the faith in God I had and now feel lost. You are so loved by me that had I, I would have given  my perfect  life to save yours. To know WE played a part in the wondrous creation of such beautiful daughters/granddaughters. I thought I treated you as best I could. What I needed from you I overlooked because one day, I assumed it would eventually come. Instead we broke up and all my shattered hearts pieces lay at my feet cutting me and I am covered in blood. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has lost in this life and it hurts the most when the opportunity to still fix it and love it even greater than before it thrown away. Friends, lovers, spouses and even strangers. I will keep going to therapy, to continue to learn, to become a better me. Even if I end up alone, God will still be by my side. I remember that night I heard the monitor beeping when you almost died, I did not give up then. I will still have hope. I’m not perfect but I love you sweetheart so much. I can’t watch you move on without me but my love is still there.  As is my shattered heart. Be safe. Be loved. Be better. I have had good days and bad with you but I wouldn’t have traded them at all.

Perspective, my new friend

I have recently been going through a tough time within this chapter of my life. So deeply heartfelt, I almost can’t see past the pain and darkness. Someone I trust gave me some valuable advice, yet, I am struggling to understand how to apply it to my life and be in that place of “bend and sway”.  I was told that my life is in my own hands and everything is based upon my PERSPECTIVE. If I can hardly see through the darkness, how can I control my perspective? Change my view of the very life I live?
As each day has gone by, with every sharp sting of difficulty, this word keeps showing up. And I took this as a challenge. A challenge to not give up, even though at times I’ve begged God to please take this all from me. Selfish, I know, for I did not die upon a cross for the love of all mankind and I do not suffer as others have/do but like all colors: black is black, and so is the darkness.
God’s gift to me is the supernatural gift of Mercy. I’ve found it to be one of both a great burden and when left unharnessed, great destruction. I can feel all things around me. I can feel when others are hurting. I can tell when someone is lying. I can feel the anger, resentments, and glorious joy of life’s little blessings. I can also search deep into a person’s self and know what would hurt them the most. I only learned that recently. As such, I have paid a high price for wielding that sword. It was done unconsciously at the time, for my pain was that of such darkness, I could not see what I had done until it was too late and no matter how much I want to “fix it”, I will forever have lost something that should have been cherished for the beautiful blessing it was.
I can also see the “cracks”. The little windows and doors left open for the enemy to slip right on in and eat away at you. A fight that is hard enough on it’s own and one we all fight daily. But back to “perspective”. As I am learning about what it means to view things differently, I found out immediately that I don’t know much about myself and what I did know or believe was very painful to realize and much harder to change. Who am I really? I know my gift but what makes me: me? Where is my passion? Am I giving my life to God and God alone? And am I happy if that is all there is? We all know that God loves us, and we are His children but if I had to be alone, am I strong enough to overcome the darkness? The answer is undoubtedly, NO! You see, I have not given everything to Him and I have not trusted God and His word. And until I am able to do so, I am unable to feel the love and happiness that comes along with that releasing of myself into the trusting hands of God. This was my first lesson on perspective. I needed to see the truth for what it was. To be brutally honest with myself and bow my head in recognition of this honesty. And as each day comes and goes, I’ve had good moments and moments that bring me to tears so fast that light itself cannot catch me. And as each day comes and goes, I learn a little more about the devastating requirement of changing not just my “perspective” but the decisions that need to be made in order to make things right in my life according to God’s will and not my own. Imagine how, at times, the hopelessness I’ve felt giving up control or acknowledging that I’ve cared more for others than I have ever considered for myself. Me? A Christian for over 30 years, still crawling instead of walking tall in my Father’s love and everlasting  promise.
It is true that to view me from the outside, I have much to be thankful for. But the old adage “don’t judge a book by its cover” is most certainly necessary here. For all the blessings in my life, I still have to fix “me” and the damage the darkness has brought. The pain is very real and can be hard to progressively move forward when you “feel alone” in it.  To fight against the enemy with ONLY God by my side because as humans, it’s easier to leave than it is to stand next to your brother/sister in Christ and help guide them back. To help them stand again. Another harsh reality. With all that in mind, I’ll seek out my Father’s Love and as I cry out to Him, to vigilantly work my way towards His will, ask His forgiveness for my sins, and continue to strive viewing things not from my own perspective but from His perspective. No matter how painful some decisions need to be made, I can only do my best.

Pray for each other, love one another, and help carry their burdens just as Christ carried the cross for you and me. Be there to give advice as my trusted friend did even though it’s still taking me a long while to apply properly in my healing. Thank you, Lord, for only YOU know my heart and what I am going through. Help me to still be there for others even while I heal.

A Thief Called Time

Under the stars I watch the beauty of life. I can close my eyes and hear a music unlike any other. So how is it that when I open my eyes, it has become nothing more than a memory? I should feel the happiness it brought to me, yet I am filled with a longing to have had it last just a moment more. Bargaining with life to grant me, yet again and undeservingly, it's beauty and wonder.

To kiss your lover and rejoice in its very essence is something to behold. To etch it into the very fibers of your being and yet again, either it will become a memory or even at it's worst, a missed opportunity to have added that blessing to our lives.

The kindness of words, the power of a caress, the selflessness of helping others out of love, is being blessed enough to witness the very act of God's love and mercy. Time is an illusion that we cannot afford to believe in but instead we should strive to become the very act itself and not the witness.

Invisible Strings

There are invisible strings that tie us to people, places, and things. Sometimes they simply touch us, caressing our skin, letting us know that "this" means something. At other times, they entwine themselves within our very beings, creating a oneness. A feeling of completeness. 

There are times when those strings bind us to negativity, causing pain and heartache, and sacrifice for the sake of others we place more importantly than that of ourselves. For instance, someone you may have just met or have known for life, whose life is burdened and full of hardship, a string will reach out from that person and lay upon you. And so the process begins. You may feel the need to help, or feel burdened and want to flee. 

For me, the magic begin at the beach. When I am there, and I walk along the sand, feeling the sun shining down upon my face, with the wind blowing my hair and suddenly it happens! All of the strings of life surround me, piercing my soul with the happiness that only God brings to me. With every wave that crashes to the shore, with every grain of sand that I touch, and the whispers of God's love in my ears upon the wind, I am home. A deafening silence so strong that I can only hear God speak His love to me. 

I've been blessed to witnessed additional love and beauty upon my beach I love so much. I can no longer see myself as an individual but one of a multifaceted puzzle piece that is lost without the others. Being away brings a sadness that I am struggling to learn to adjust too but isn't that what life is about? Adjustments and sacrifice? Why does love have to sacrifice so greatly when it's beauty is more grand than the selflessness we've endured? There are no answers for that. 

I give unto you all my love, all that I have to give. The time that has come and gone, for Time does not really exist. The laughter and the pain. So long as the strings that tie us have been given then so has God's love. And with such comes a sacrifice that can never be compared to that which has already been paid.

Be assured that with every grain of sand, with every wave crashing to the shore, when the wind surrounds you until you cannot hear anything else, know that an Angel is there with you and you are loved above all things.

Evil is beautiful as a rainbow...

Can you believe that some people have referred to me as "emotional"? Yes, I'm "LOL". My ability to feel the excitement, pain, happiness, loneliness, and hatred fueled anger of others is overwhelming at times. It has taken the majority of my life to try to find a balance between what "I can change and wisdom to know the difference" and yet I am still shocked when I am directly confronted by the conniving genius of the enemy's power. 

Last night, while scrolling through Facebook, I came upon a video of two boys who appeared to be in middle school. One was a little bigger than the other and yet it was the smaller boy who began to pick a fight. He threw a punch at the larger boy, who took it without reacting, and then another. I could feel my heart starting to tear. These are someone's children. AND someone's child was videotaping the fight. When the bigger boy went to defend himself, he body slammed the smaller boy, I'm sure not as damaging as was capable, but enough to hurt him badly and walked away. I almost choked on the sorrow. My husband said he believes this video is quite old but all I wanted to do was cry. I knew as surely as I've ever known anything that God the Father was looking down upon us in sadness. Those that surely lack the salvation of Jesus Christ would never think that anything was wrong with what I witnessed and even those that have Christ but are weak in the Spirit often trip in the potholes of sin that the enemy places in our path. The world of sin is so great. I ache for the day Jesus Christ returns. To save us from this horror. To bring eternal peace to those who believe in Him and seperate us from those who reject His salvation. 

Have you ever known a child to do something wrong and find the most adorable way to convince you that his/her reasoning behind it was in fact "Okay"? To paint a picture so beautiful that you've given in to his/her thinking and now increased your margins to the once before reason the original sin was bad? The old adage of "give an inch..." The enemy just painted a beautiful picture and included a rainbow for extra measure to reach his goal. Please beware of rainbows in the midst of sin. Our children have to continue the war against good/evil. I pray that everyone who has accepted Christ be renewed in Spirit and see more clearly the rainbows so that you can equip yourselves and others. 

Ephesians 6:11-13 (NIV)

11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powersof this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Neurological Memories

Pain is a word that is as hard to define as "love" and "hate". It is an overused, over  exaggerated, and misunderstood term that has encompassed a large part of the last 13 years for me. Each and every day I struggle with the physical reality that I am hurting. BUT.......each and every day I am encouraged that because my God is an awesome God, who can do all things, I am being continuously educated (mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually) on the multi-faceted aspects of PAIN and why I was chosen. 

Occasionally I search the internet for terms or ideas just to see what I come across. This morning I wanted to know of "creative ways of dealing with pain". Seriously, something as simple as (my FAVE) digging for seashells can distract me from the skin peeling pain I go through daily. I came across an article on the AARP website from July 23, 2012 (http://www.aarp.org/health/conditions-treatments/info-07-2012/treating-chronic-pain-without-drugs-oz.html) that indicated that "...nerves may actually hard-wire that pain into a kind of neurological memory, so even when the original cause of the pain is gone, you still hurt." Now doesn't that make sense. Now I know there are pains I have that clearly are NOT memories but is it always? And if the pain is memory, does it then trigger the real pain? Dominos. I am playing dominos. 

My journey of pain and life thereafter is ongoing. With every little tidbit of information I am encouraged that there is always hope that this day will be a great day!!! 

Time. Where is it's truth?

I am no true blogger. Heck, for the 4 hours a day I actually get to sleep (4? Really? Lucky me!), I don't have much time to do all the things my overactive heart desires, much less "blog". My journaling has turned into more of a quarterly sporadic scrapbook fest. Little "tokens" of memories that I place away so I can return to them when my soul yearns to travel to the past and pluck the memories from my mind like classification cards at the library or rolodex (like, who uses either one anymore, right?).

But the truth of the matter is that time is a thief! It steals from us every single heart beating moment leaving behind only a memory if you were fortunate enough to pay attention. It was just a moment ago that I was 16 years old counting down the days until my "life" began. It was just a few moments after that that I held my youngest daughter, attempting to treasure every moment I had with her knowing she would be my last. And yet here I am, several weeks from my last journal entry, with not much to show for it except a messy house and painfully dominant headache.

So, while Time is a thief and I am unable to stop him, how do make each moment last forever? For it is only in this moment that I live......

Stationery card

Blessed Family Religious Christmas Card

Shutterfly has classic, elegant Christmas invitations for your party.

View the entire collection of cards.

How does the 9-5 day make a difference?

Surely I am not the only person who works 9-5, only to come home and begin that 24/7 job called "life"? I know we all work. I mean, you have bills to pay right? Actually, come to think of it, you'd like to eat now and then also huh? Well, that doesn't usually happen without having a job, a paycheck. This country is struggling with families who are struggling with less income than the outgoing bills & necessities. So, let’s talk about fulfillment. I began to think that a good, hard day’s work equaled the acceptable reasoning for all the "other" things I could have done: housewife, mother, community contributor. But instead, I have placed all of that second and third to the hopes and dreams of a company owned by someone else just being an employee. Over the last 12 years, I realized that when people said "stress kills", dang it: they were not kidding. I've had 13 major surgeries and truth be known, I blame the bottom line on the lifestyles we lead. Fast, faster, and now!

So, I started to research (biblically) and I just don't believe that the hard work I do is doing ANYTHING for the purpose of God. Was I blessed with 4 children and an amazing husband to never have time for them? Do you feel this way too? Why do we do things that don't honor God simply because we think we have to have a paycheck or because we feel devoted to the ones we work for? Am I alone in this? Comments please!!

Sleepless in Covington

Some people visibly cringe the moment they realize that "this night" there're in for a sleepless, merciless, dissection of minutes that define each bedtime hour! Now, my irresistible husband uses my physical presence as a security blanket, a "sexy, smooth, warm, curvaceous, tempting... so you can rest medicine" if you will. So when my moment of realization sets in, yes, I feel that twinge of guilt that accompanies my confession that on this night: you're on your own, sweet love! Not only am I wide-eyed awake, so are all of my 5 other personalities! But I'm reminded of a conversation I had once with a strange yet oddly surreal woman who once told me that when you find yourself awake when you're desperately seeking REM sleep, that this was the Holy Spirit calling on you as a Christian to pray for someone in need. Just think-when I'm up, those in need have 6 extra prayers at night! I'm only to happy to assist. You never know when I may be in the market for your prayers! God Bless...

Labor Day: A labor of love...

Every year, millions of people get to take a day off from the hustle and bustle that we call a "job". Today, I not only get to enjoy another day "off" but get to spend additional quality time with my husband, children, and friends. Take a moment to give thanks to God for this opportunity, as so many others are not so fortunate. Without a doubt, I am incredibly blessed beyond my worth!

Happy Anniversary, my love...

Twenty years is a long time to some people. So is eternity. I have been married to my husband/best friend for 20 years and until it's eternity, I won't feel as though it's been long enough. I love him passionately and cannot imagine any life without him in it. I can thank God for blessing me over and over again but God knew what he was doing when he provided me with such a wonderful friend, husband, lover, and partner. I'm not alone. Thank you Lord.

Good days and bad days...

People often ask me "How have you been doing?". Deep down, I really just want to say, "Still hurting, you?", but that wouldn't really be honest, would it? Some days, well, they're really good. My pain is always there but manageable. Other days, I'm reminded that I'm not the same as I was, different than I'll be tomorrow, and wishing I was unconscious today! It is hard on the people we care about because they try but are unable to truly understand. It is hard on those who rely on us because even though they try to be understanding we are needed. In the end, no one will wish I was better, than me.

Soul Mates

As I watch the man I love,
Sleep and dream yet not in good health
My heart is burdened by fear unknown
That only God can fill.

Things we don't understand and
Knowledge we choose to ignore
My friend, lover. My half of me..
Please be safe, please grow strong, please know God has you in His hands.

I can't live without you, my love.
Forever on earth is not long enough
Eternity in Heaven is a dream to fulfill
Surrounded by the glory of God and His promise fulfilled.

All the love in me has been provided by you and even you brought me back to God when I was lost.
For all great things in life come at at cost.
Jesus loves our children but blesses our marriage.
I touch you ever so gently in the night with the strange sounds in the backgroup of the IV drip and you seem so delicate. I feel like craddling you in my arms and reassuring myself that YOU know just how much YOU mean to me and how blessed i so truly am.

Chronic Pain

Do you live with Chronic Pian? I do. I have a triple cervical fushion and permanent nerve damage in the occipital nerves causing cervicogenic headaches. These leave you wishing the 2ND coming of Christ would really hurry along. I have just received yet another surgery having a spinal cord simulator implanted to help with the pain. Its really too early in this procedure to see if its working yet but nights like these I am unable to get any sleep. Tell me what you have....and how have you managed to cope with it.

Pain is the darkness that keeps us from the Light
Pain is the vise that helps give up the fight
Acceptance is often difficult to bear
It is like our own cross to wear
Show me what i should do
Does pain ravage you too?

Why are words so important?

Words have the ability to lift a soul straight to heaven yet also have the despairing strength to plummet you straight into hell. Why is this? And what about our imagination? We can dig deep into ourselves and come up with the most intense creation. I am so excited to begin my very own exploration.